Some days ago,
I saw a younger friend who just started courtship, using his car to take his
fiancée on driving lesson. I observed that one of the doors of the car has been
compressed, a common evidence when someone is learning to drive. I felt pleased
seeing that because I didn’t have a car at the time I got married so did not
have the opportunity of deciding to do same or not. It was an indication that
they may be discussing beyond what brought them together to what would take
them further.
Some may not
agree with me, but if someone is using his car and time to teach his fiancée
how to drive, it indicates that the person is willing to share the car with the
other when they marry. It does not however cancel the fact that a mischievous
fiancée could still take advantage of the guy’s goodwill and not continue in the
relationship. The point here is that lack of mutual sharing of what belongs to
either individual in marriage is one reason for squabbles. It is the result of
approaching marriage with a selfish motive, when what is required is
selflessness.
When it comes
to what people discuss during courtship, it is important to ensure that issues
in marriage are discussed more than issues in pre-marriage. Apart from personal
core values, which speak to individual’s preferences; other issues include: family finance or family economy, sex and sexual
orientation, relationship with in-laws, procreation and parenting. Another
aspect of discussion should be in the area of disclosing past mistakes, whose
consequences may affect marriage relationship. For instance, if someone had a
child, that should be disclosed. If as a result of certain actions, someone’s
internal organ has been affected, it should be made known to the other.
Discussing or not discussing issues of this nature, further reveal the level of
sincerity someone brings into the relationship.
Recently, I
heard of a lady who got married and on the wedding night, instead of
consummating the marriage, the husband revealed to her that he was impotent meaning
he would not be able to have sexual intercourse. Now, certainly the couple did
not meet same day and got married; I do not know how long they courted, but
surely long enough to plan a wedding. Why did the man keep such information
till the moment the action was needed? What was his intention? To keep the lady
from leaving him by first taking vows before disclosing it or Is that part of showing love for the lady? Giving
someone the opportunity to know the ‘worst’ about you helps the person decide
either to go ahead with you or not.
Many years
ago, a man told his story in this direction about how God revealed to him that
someone was supposed to be his wife. By the time he approached the lady, she
told him that he could not be right because she had no womb. The man left and
returned again with deeper conviction, telling the woman that since he heard
God, he had decided to go ahead, believing that even if she was a tree, she
must have what is required for marriage. At the time he told us the story at a
conference, he said they already had two children. Now this is pure miracle,
but the point is that the man got the information early and was able to decide
for himself.
Unfortunately
many people discuss more about the wedding than about the marriage during
courtship, forgetting that while wedding is an event that happens in few hours,
marriage is for life and should be of greater importance than its official
declaration. I once heard of a wedding that was put off temporarily because the
couple found it difficult to agree on the colour of the attire family and
friends would use on the wedding day. I wondered if two people who would not
agree on colour of attire for a few hours event would be able to agree on more
important issues in marriage.
If people are
found it difficult to agree on seemingly simple issues before marriage, it may
be a pointer that they need to review their believed commitment to each other.
The more they are not able to agree on small issues, the more likely it is that
they would not agree on other bigger issues. The question then is: “Do two walk together, unless they have
agreed to do so?” Amos 3:3 (NIV).
Talks
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