ENJOY THE SPOUSE YOU MARRIED!

The title of this article is an interpretation of the Message Bible version of Proverbs chapter 5 verse 18. The verse reads:  'Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! The context of the chapter is an encouragement to the man to avoid sexual perversion. The chapter presents a man who goes into sexual relations with a woman not his wife as a foolish person. 

The chapter shows the things a man should beware of concerning the strange woman. It then admonishes the man to focus on his marriage and enjoy his own wife. This article highlights how couple can enjoy each other and be free from sexual perversion.

Be focused on who you married: Your spouse was chosen among other persons who either were close to you at some time or were not, but were known to you as good people. Having known many people and finally chose to settle with one, it is expected that you focus on each other and keep away from others. Focusing on each other implies enjoying each other as you are; improving on what need to be improved on about each other and not comparing each other with other people.

Appreciate each other: Always be grateful  that you chose each other. Express this to each other as often as you wish to do it. Don't wait till each other's special day to celebrate the person on the social media platforms. Celebrate them at home. Let your spouse know how much they mean to you and let other people know how much your spouse means to you.

Be available to satisfy each other sexually: Staying focused on each other requires that you are emotionally and physically connected to each other. That level of connection leads to being aroused easily by hearing each other's voice, thinking of each other, casually touching each other. It results in desiring to be with each other often and looking forward to be with each other whenever you are apart. Therefore do not joke with each other's sexual desires; do not take for granted the need to satisfy each other sexually. Realizing the need for sex in marriage and knowing that you are always available to meet that need, keeps the desire in check.

Respect each other: The society expects that a wife should respect the husband. The interpretation is that men have ego and require respect from their wife. Another interpretation is that the Scriptures require the wife to submit to their husband. While these assertions are correct, it is important to also realize that respect is reciprocal.

YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR BEST SEX PARTNER

A sex partner is someone who shares sexual activities with another on an on-going or regular basis. It is believed that most people look forward to having sex with each other on the day of their wedding ceremony, though it is also possible that some may have started having sex with each other before that event.  Either way, once a couple is legally married, it is assumed that they become each other's exclusive sex partners. 

Recently it has been observed that apart from those in polygamy or polyandry relationships, whose cultures and beliefs allow such practices, certain couples in monogamous relationship, also operate what has been termed 'open marriage'. This is a situation where each spouse has the consent of the other to freely engage in sexual activities with other persons known or unknown to the other spouse. Some people also engage in extra-marital affairs otherwise known as adultery, where they have sexual relationships with other people without the consent of their spouse. This article seeks to show reasons for every married couple to maintain exclusive sexual relations with each other.

Your marriage vow is sacred. The sacredness of your marital vow to your spouse requires that both of you respect the vow. Whether the vow was made in a religious environment or in a legal environment, it deserves same respect by the people involved in the marriage. Opening yourself for sexual relations with another person outside your spouse is disrespectful to the vow.

Lasting Relationship Requires Continued Trust: Extra marital sexual relationship creates foundation for distrust in marriage. What happens in the sex life of a married couple is an experience both spouses cherish; sharing the act with an outsider gives the impression that someone is dishonest and cannot be trusted. Even when there has been apologies and forgiveness, the level of trust has diminished, giving room for flimsy issues to result in quarrels.

It is the highest level of intimacy: Engaging in sexual relations with someone makes the people involved vulnerable to each other. The more vulnerable they become, the more intimate they grow to be. This automatically justifies why the society frowns at extra-marital sexual relationship. When a spouse goes to an outsider, that spouse seeks to become one with that outsider.

A QUARREL-FREE MARRIAGE IS AVAILABLE

When couples decide to be married, they look forward to a relationship that both of them would enjoy and be satisfied in. However as they settle into marriage they discover that certain situations arise that result in misunderstanding and snow-ball into quarrel. Stories of people who quarrel often in their marriage tend to discourage others. Some end up getting into marriage in fear of having to quarrel perpetually.

Even though there is no perfect marriage, good marriages abound. Though a marriage may be filled with quarrels right now also, it is important to look forward to when there would be little or no quarrels. This article discusses what should be done to live in a marriage free from quarrels.

Cultivate your Core Values: This reduces friction in the home as both spouses know the reasons for each other’s actions per time. I advocate that individuals intending to marry should identify their individual personal core values for the two of them to review. Such review is for the purpose of choosing and adopting the ones that would eventually form the family's core values. It means that the couple would agree to those adopted values and ensure they live by them when they eventually marry. If anyone is struggling with some of the values, the stronger person should influence them to align over time. 

Create room for mutual evaluation: This point deals with periodically finding out if there are some pending misgivings that have not been attended to. Spouses ask each other if there is something that happened in recent past that have not been fully dealt with. If any spouse identifies one or two, it is explained and there is mutual understanding about action taken. Where necessary there should be apology. This helps ensure that issues are not left hanging and creating ill-feelings against each other.

Create room for instant forgiveness: This requires that each spouse has the attitude of forgiving the other without waiting for apology. This is necessary because sometimes offence happens unintentionally.

HOW TO MANAGE QUARRELS IN MARRIAGE

Situations that result in quarrels arise when we least expect in marriage. While we acknowledge that personal and emotional inadequacies form the foundation for reasons quarrels persists in marriage, it is also important to accept that quarrels can be managed for the good of the marriage. 

Also as every couple works towards a quarrel free marriage, it is necessary to consider how to manage those moments of quarrels for the benefit of the family and the marriage. This article looks at various steps to ensuring that moments of quarrels do not destroy the relationship a couple share in marriage.

Be open - don't keep grudges. There is always the tendency to keep quiet and not discuss an issue that may be making someone uncomfortable. However it becomes counterproductive to continually keep issues in the mind while you feel hurt about them. Overtime the burden of those issues would begin to manifest in your actions towards the person. It is also capable of leading to depression. Therefore be open about what hurts you, discuss it and forgive each other. Openness here may include apology where necessary. Saying ‘I am sorry’ can be the healing balm your spouse needs sometimes.

Be vulnerable about your area of weakness: Another area of openness is in the area of those emotional inadequacies. Don't hide them from your spouse. The Bible talks about the first couple being naked and not ashamed; it is important that your spouse knows your areas of weakness and possibly the foundation of such weakness even during courtship. It helps the spouse know how to relate with you without seeking to hurt you unnecessarily. It is better that someone knows your weakness and still chooses to marry you than you hide it and begin to suffer on account of it in marriage.

Talk about the issue - at the right time: Sometimes the immediate cause of a quarrel could be the time a spouse chooses to discuss an issue. It could also be the manner the spouse chooses to adopt in expressing the issue.

WHY QUARRELS PERSIST IN MARRIAGE

Relationships usually begin with two people becoming fond of each other and wanting to be around each other always. However as they decide to be married to each other and begin living together, moments of disagreement tend to become moments of quarrels, arguments and all forms of altercations. While it is not unusual for moments of disagreements to happen in marriage, it is not expected that quarrels should persist as the marriage progresses. 

Certain marriages have however continued to experience quarrels within the marriage lifetime, thereby necessitating doubts in the minds of the couple concerning their compatibility. This article looks at reasons quarrels may persist in a marriage.

Divergent Personal Values: Our values deal with what is most important to us. Individuals develop certain values based on their upbringing, personality and interests. When two people seek to be in a lifelong relationship, it is necessary that they pay attention to what their values have been to find a convergent point that would support their next phase in life. When a couple pay little or no attention to knowing and reviewing personal values result in both parties getting into the marriage, having opposing values in every area of life. This would mean that each person keeps seeing things within the prism of their own values thereby continually quarreling over the other's views.

Spouse's Low self-esteem and Complex: Low self-esteem is lack of self-worth while complex is about feeling inferior or inadequate in particular areas of life. If a spouse gets into marriage having a low self-esteem, the person would always feel the other person seeks to cheat them whenever an issue is raised in marriage.

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR SEX LIFE

In the previous editions of this series, we considered things to protect your sex life from and reasons to protect your sex life. 

In this concluding edition, we will be considering how to protect your sex life in marriage. The intention is to further seek ways for married couple to be into each other so that nothing is able to distract from their love life and consequently their sex life.

Focus on Intimacy: Beyond what happens in the bedroom during sex, it is important that spouses focus on doing what pleases each other and brings them closer. Calls, text messaging, and chats saying nothing in particular, use of pet names, among others, should continue. These acts help couples remain close to each other, such that sex itself happens effortlessly when they are together.

Use Sex to Relieve Stress: Inasmuch as spouses may shy away from sex because of stress; it has been proven that sex itself can be a stress reliever.

FOUR REASONS YOU SHOULD PROTECT YOUR SEX LIFE

We have established in the previous article that a couple's sex life is so important to the well-being of the marriage, hence the need to protect it from certain areas that may constitute a distraction to it.

In this article, we shall discuss four reasons you should protect your sex life.

It is Exclusive to both of you: Everything about you and your marriage can be done in the company of others or shared with others outside the marriage. Your sex life only happens between the two of you. No one else is permitted to be present when you have sex with each other. The implication is that if your sex life is good, it is to your benefit, if it is not good, it is to your detriment. You therefore have a responsibility to ensure that nothing distracts from it, so that you jointly build it and make it the best you can have.

Your Spouse's Body was designed for you: The fact that despite any other relationship you may have had in the past, you eventually settled for your spouse; points to the reality that you were meant for each other. In essence, your bodies were designed to fit each other and provide the pleasure you need.