Relationships usually begin with two
people becoming fond of each other and wanting to be around each other always.
However as they decide to be married to each other and begin living together,
moments of disagreement tend to become moments of quarrels, arguments and all
forms of altercations. While it is not unusual for moments of disagreements to
happen in marriage, it is not expected that quarrels should persist as the
marriage progresses.
Certain marriages have however
continued to experience quarrels within the marriage lifetime, thereby
necessitating doubts in the minds of the couple concerning their compatibility.
This article looks at reasons quarrels may persist in a marriage.
Divergent
Personal Values: Our values deal with what is most
important to us. Individuals develop certain values based on their upbringing,
personality and interests. When two people seek to be in a lifelong
relationship, it is necessary that they pay attention to what their values have
been to find a convergent point that would support their next phase in life. When
a couple pay little or no attention to knowing and reviewing personal values
result in both parties getting into the marriage, having opposing values in
every area of life. This would mean that each person keeps seeing things within
the prism of their own values thereby continually quarreling over the other's
views.
Spouse's
Low self-esteem and Complex: Low self-esteem is lack of self-worth
while complex is about feeling inferior or inadequate in particular areas of
life. If a spouse gets into marriage having a low self-esteem, the person would
always feel the other person seeks to cheat them whenever an issue is raised in
marriage.
Such persons fail to recognize that they are being defensive, but
simply keep accusing their spouse of having a wrong motive for the actions they
take or the views they have on issues. The feeling of inadequacy in a particular area, results in aggressive response whenever that
aspect is touched or a defense mechanism to compensate for such inadequacy.
Either superiority or inferiority complex leads to undue aggression in manner
of approaching an issue.
Competition
mindset: Some people go into marriage wanting to compete with their
spouse on issues. They believe they must win every argument and have the upper
hand on every decision. The result is that instead of complementing each other,
they keep seeking ways of showing that they know better and can always win.
This leads to quarrels whenever there is an issue to discuss.
Expectations
not being met: Some people get into marriage having
unrealistic expectations. When they discover that marriage does not offer such
expectations, they become paranoia, always suspecting the other spouse and quarreling
over every issue. In other occasions, some become high-handed wanting to meet
their selfish needs at all cost.
Selfishness:
The attitude of thinking and acting of oneself more often than doing so of the
union, would always lead to quarrel between married couple. Becoming married
creates a union that should be nurtured to oneness in every aspect. However when
a spouse continues to think and act only about what pleases them and what
benefits them, the other spouse who seeks what benefits both would always feel
unease. Love is selfless and sacrificial. Deciding to be married therefore
requires willingness and readiness to make sacrifices for the benefit of the
union.
When quarrels persist in marriage, it
is possible that either one or both spouses possess certain personal or
emotional inadequacies that were not given attention to before the marriage
began.
Talks
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