Rape has been
described as the act of forcing someone to have sexual intercourse with one.
Some people also describe it as any sexual intercourse done without the other
person’s consent. Most times it is the male that is said to have raped the
female. We hardly hear about female raping male. The idea of rape revolves
around the approach to sexual intercourse with a partner. Though it is often
mentioned outside marriage, I have argued that some husbands may be raping
their wives by the way they approach them for sex. Situations where the man
just gets to bed and tells the woman that he wanted sex, and then goes straight
to intercourse with little or no time for fore play, could be likened to rape.
Most wives in such marriages simply keep mute because they realise they are in
a marital relationship and therefore owe their body to the man. One lady ones
told me of how she would just lay there and let her husband do the thing and get off. Reason was the
man came for it daily and the woman was not always ready for it on a daily
basis. But to maintain peace in the home, she did not resist him. Some people
are yet to understand that sex in marriage requires the best approach for the
satisfaction of the couple.
Approach in
sex for the married is a demonstration of one spouse’s respect for the other
spouse. Couples who respect each other get the best from each other. Though
respect is often regarded as one of man’s major need in marriage; the woman
equally deserves to be respected. In fact husbands who complain that their
wives do not respect them are possibly taking their wives for granted. In Ephesian
5: 22, wives are admonished to submit to their own husbands; yet before that
command, verse 21 had admonished that couples should submit to one another.
Therefore it is not really in the place of either spouse to demand and enforce
rights in marriage. Everyone is expected to do their part especially in the area
of respect. One place to show this is in the way they approach each other for
sex. Someone may argue that the bible already informs us that the man’s body
belongs to the woman and vice versa, so why should the person not just take
what belongs to them. Well, remember that it is the other person that keeps
that body; so if he or she decides that the other “owner” cannot have access to
it per time, the person must wait. Your spouse’s body is not a tangible item,
which you just walk in and pick; it is his or her body, you need to show value
for it by approaching your spouse respectfully whenever you need it.
Another reason
approach matters is that marriage is honourable. Hebrews 13: 4, admonishes that
marriage is honourable and the bed should not be defiled. Even though bed
defilement is on the basis of couple not engaging in extra marital affairs, it
is also important that when they are to be together with each other, the honour
of their marriage is preserved. It is because they are married, that using that
bed for sex is not defilement, so they should approach the act in a way that
preserves the sanctity of the marriage. An intercourse between a married couple
should be with the highest level of honour because each spouse cherishes the
other’s dignity. If they have deferred having sex from courtship till they are
legally married, each time it happens it should be a celebration of their
undying love for themselves. Remember that the person is your spouse; you are
not ‘stealing’ the act neither are you doing it as a customer, who does not
want to take the time of another customer waiting in the line.
When approach
is not right, your spouse feels used. I was involved in resolving a marital
conflict where one major complaint from the man was difficulty in getting the
wife for sex. The man complained that he kept himself from sex before marriage
because he wanted to be faithful to his wife. He felt frustrated that most
times he found it difficult getting her for sex and when it happens, she does
not usually participate; she just lays there. The wife’s response was that the
husband’s approach did not encourage her to be open to sex apart from the fact
that he also wanted it more frequently than she could handle. We were able to
advise the husband on how important approach is and the story changed. In fact,
the husband had also complained that her refusals had delayed their conception
for another child much longer than they wanted it. Less than four months after
our intervention, the wife conceived. When a woman feels being used, she
withdraws and the man finds it difficult to understand. It is only an inanimate
object that can be used continuously without their consent. Consistently
approaching sex with your spouse against her consent would eventually lead to
outright refusals; it is just a matter of time.
In order to
maintain a healthy sex life in your marriage, the following tips will help your
approach.
· Focus
on lovemaking; not just having sex. Lovemaking begins from morning through the
day, before the act itself.
· Woo her
emotionally before the time, and then she would be available for the act when
the time comes.
· Don’t
treat sex as a right that belongs to you alone. Your spouse also needs it.
· For the
man, your wife wants to hear your voice before the act; don’t get on the act
without letting her know how much she means to you. How much her body suits
you, and how much you desire to have her. Avoid walking up to her and saying,
‘I want to have sex with you’. That could put her off. Be creative about it.
· For the
woman, your husband wants to see your body; don’t complain that he does not
touch you if you always look unkept. Find out what he wants to see on your body
and wear it. At night and when you are alone, seduce him, distract him, and
make him want you.
· Don’t
be dogmatic about the timing and location. Be flexible and spontaneous.
· If the fire is completely down, plan an outing
and find time to relax alone to revitalise yourselves and rekindle the fire.
Always
remember that he or she is your spouse; not a stranger. She is there for you;
he is there for you. Respect his or her person; focus on pleasing him or her
and you will be mindful of your approach to sex.
I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone. Your
comments are appreciated. Next edition we discuss, ‘Does size really matter?’
Talks
Post a Comment