I have had the
opportunity of being involved in resolving some couples’ marital challenges due
to my leadership roles and people’s respect of my sense of judgement in line
with God’s grace on me in the area of relationship. One major thing that comes
clear in most of the cases is non recognition of divergence of values during
courtship. I have equally seen broken marriages, which the major cause were
poor attention to certain values before the marriages started.
Courtship is
the period of relationship between when a couple agrees to marry each other and
when they eventually get married. For me it starts the moment a lady gives
positive response to a guy’s proposal and ends the moment the two are
officially joined by the authority that issues them marriage certificate. So it is a time when both individuals are
already aware that they would eventually live together as they look forward to
being joined in marriage.
Values
are those deep seated beliefs and convictions
that guide what we do. So core values are those values that guide our choices
and decision making process. They are not taught, rather they are well thought
through beliefs which one practices. Much like company core values, personal core values are there to
guide behaviours and choices. When we get them right we will be swift and
focused in our decision-making, with clear direction. When we get them wrong or
leave them ambiguous, we will constantly wonder how we got into the challenges
we face.
Most times the
tendency is that couples in courtship want to be together for fun; they want to
visit movies, eateries, games and other functions believing that by doing so
they are getting along. Whereas these are good; it is necessary that both
individuals use the time to learn each other. Discussions should consciously
include what values each person has and how each person would like to be
treated in certain scenarios. This means that if a lady wanted to know how open
a guy would be in marriage, she could tell a story of how a guy hid something
from his girl in marriage and see how the guy would respond to such story. In
other cases, both should equally ask direct questions and demand direct
answers.
Though some
have argued that many guys already believe they know the answers a lady would
like, and so would likely give such answers, hiding whatever they did not want
the lady to know and vice versa. My response to that is that people should
create scenarios to see other’s actions and be able to ask for clarifications
where they are not comfortable with a response.
Common realities show that people hardly ask the right questions and so
get the wrong answers. Also even when both may have been largely open on
issues, there is nothing wrong in anyone taking extra steps to clear any
doubts, because marriage is not a fifty meters dash. My wife, during our
courtship had a meeting with my very close friend whom we stayed together then,
and both of them hid the meeting from me. I only used my sixth sense to know. I
didn’t have any issue with it because I had nothing to hide.
In business, investors
are expected to perform a due diligence on an organisation they intend to
invest in. This affords them the opportunity of knowing the details of that
organisation’s financial stand and how healthy and viable it is before
investing. The essence is to be aware of what the investor would be going into,
so that if they do not have what it takes to handle the shortfalls of the
organisation, they decide to stop. This is because they would be bringing their
asset to commit themselves to a new relationship that is hoped to make them
better.
Likewise a guy
or lady intending to marry is about to commit themselves to a lifelong
relationship and must be fully aware of any positive or negative sides of the
other. It is better to know something negative about someone and still decide
to marry them than not to know and yet decide to marry them. So I believe that
every individual has the responsibility to ask the right questions, get proper
clarifications and decide either to continue or not in a relationship. It is
often said that a broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. In
courtship no vows have been taken therefore the level of commitment is less.
Talks
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