HOW TO MAINTAIN TRUST IN MARRIAGE (2)

In the first part of this article, I established that from the beginning, God designed marriage to be for life. I also established that openness and being intentionally vulnerable help in developing and maintaining trust. The article identified six areas married couples should develop and maintain trust in their marriage.

This concluding part of the article will show some deliberate steps couples can take to maintain trust in those identified areas of the marriage. Before discussing that, I would like to mention two things.

First is that achieving openness in marriage requires patience from both spouses. Many times one spouse may feel the need to have the other change or improve in certain area of marriage, and so keeps getting frustrated whenever they appear not to be seeing such changes. Bearing in mind that no one can change another person; rather individual spouse can influence the other; it is essential that the influencing spouse exercises patience. Getting the other person to be open and accept such influence may sometimes require breaking down certain environmental influences of the person’s upbringing, and this may not always be a walk in the park.

Second is that achieving openness requires strategic and sincere communication. Communication is the oil that lubricates the wheel of marriage relationship. However it must be deliberate, well focused and sincere for it to be impactful. The more couples communicate on issues; the better understanding they get; the more open and acceptable of each other they become.

FINANCE: It is a reality that in many homes, both spouses do not earn equally. However whatever the situation, I believe that financial issues should be seen as family finance, no longer for the individual earner alone.

·         If both spouses earn income; I recommend that they know each other’s income per time.

·         If it is only one spouse that earns income as salary or trading; earnings should be disclosed

·         Have a monthly budget and spending plan including savings, investments and allowances for personal spending

·         Stick to your budget and spending plan

·         Disclose previous investments (if any).

·         Let the more financially prudent manage the home finance.

·         Discuss major family purchases and seek to get best value for money spent

·         Avoid extravagant lifestyle; frugality pays

·         Be generous and accountable

·         If possible, restrict loans to profit yielding ventures only

·         Recognize that God designed your union to prosper in every way

·         Seek to know and believe God’s provision for your financial blessings

·         Give to God, your parents and those in need according to your ability per time.

SPIRITUALITY: Marriage is God’s idea; it is essential that couples recognize that success in it requires walking together with God.

·         Recognize God as the only third entity in your marriage

·         Pray and study the word of God together as often as you can

·         Discuss personal spiritual understanding with your spouse with a view to having same level of understanding on it

·         Attend same local church to enable mutual doctrinal leanings in the home

·         Seek avenues to serve in your local church and be open about your faith outside the home

·         Appropriate God’s grace to walk in obedience to His word in your individual and family life

SEX: I consider sex an exclusive reserve for married people, in line with God’s word (1 Corinthians 7:1-3). Therefore couples should seek to enjoy it to the fullest throughout the marriage.

·         Understand each other’s orientation about sex prior to being married

·         Establish common ground on biblical basis for sex in marriage

·         Establish whose sex drive is higher

·         Learn various styles together

·         Be open to accept each other’s sexual advances

·         No spouse should impose their preferences on the other

·         If someone is not yet convinced about an action; the other should exercise restraint and understanding.

·         Explore freedom to enjoy sex together

·         Give and receive romance

RELATIONSHIP WITH IN-LAWS: In-laws are an integral part of every marriage. It is important to understand their place and maximize it for the good of the marriage

·         Realize that both in-laws are equally important in the marriage

·         Establish the place of the in-laws as third party in the marriage

·         Maintain harmonious relationship with in-laws without allowing intrusion

·         Establish the extent of access to information they should have about your marriage

·         Every spouse should abide by the level of access to information that has been agreed

·         Ensure that each spouse is free to relate with the other person’s relations with ease

·         Ensure that no spouse exclusively gives gifts to their family without the other’s knowledge

·         Support relevant events or projects on both sides when the need arises

·         Expose the children to in-laws on both sides as much as possible

RELATIONSHIP WITH OPPOSITE SEX: Couples continue to relate with opposite sex during their lifetime at work, in business, in religious and social settings. In order to maintain trust with each other in the midst of such relationships, I suggest the following:

·         Keep every relationship within the scope of your interactions with the persons. For example: colleague at work, class mate or course mate, business partner, fellowship member, among others.

·         Attend events relating to the person with the knowledge of your spouse.

·         Where necessary introduce the person to your spouse

·         As an individual, limit online interactions to the scope of regular interactions

·         Don’t hide to receive their calls; be open about it to your spouse

·         Be vigilant to observe when the other person begins to approach you unduly

·         Get the person to define boundaries

·         End a personal relationship if you discover that the person is seeking more attention than you can allow

·         Avoid discussing family misunderstandings with them

PARENTING: Children are a major part of the marriage. Taking care of them should foster bonding between couples. To maintain trust in the area of parenting, I suggest the following:

·         Decide up front, how many children you would have

·         Establish if anyone prefers particular sex.

·         As much as possible avoid tying the decision about number of children to having a particular sex

·         Establish the values your family should stand for

·         Decide the form of schooling the children would have: Regular school or Home school

·         Define the form of schooling for particular level – Primary, Secondary, Tertiary

·         Decide your children’s school based on affordability and quality of the school

·         Avoid preferring a child over another

·         Avoid discussing your misunderstandings in the presence of the children

·         Limit the involvement of third party in the raising of your children

·         Agree on nature of correcting children, so they know that no parent prefers not disciplining them.

·         Expose the children to spiritual understanding early in life

LIFESTYLE: Relationships could go awry when couples constantly argue over each other’s lifestyle. Certain things influence people’s dress sense, type of music, type of friends, definition of fun, health and hygiene practices among others. To maintain trust in the area of lifestyle, couples can explore the following suggestions:

·         Identify each other’s temperament

·         Understand that you are not married to a perfect person.

·         Discuss each other’s likes and dislikes

·         Identify each other’s weaknesses

·         Work together to improve on those areas of weaknesses, especially poor health and hygiene practices

·         Be accountable to each other while working on areas of weakness. For example, maintaining proper weight, poor dress sense and eating right.

·         Identify wrong habits and work together to stop them

·         Be patient with each other as you work to improve in any area.

I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone. Your comments are appreciated.