Situations that result in quarrels
arise when we least expect in marriage. While we acknowledge that personal and
emotional inadequacies form the foundation for reasons quarrels persists in
marriage, it is also important to accept that quarrels can be managed for the
good of the marriage.
Also as every couple works towards a
quarrel free marriage, it is necessary to consider how to manage those moments
of quarrels for the benefit of the family and the marriage. This article looks
at various steps to ensuring that moments of quarrels do not destroy the
relationship a couple share in marriage.
Be
open - don't keep grudges. There is always the tendency to keep
quiet and not discuss an issue that may be making someone uncomfortable.
However it becomes counterproductive to continually keep issues in the mind
while you feel hurt about them. Overtime the burden of those issues would begin
to manifest in your actions towards the person. It is also capable of leading
to depression. Therefore be open about what hurts you, discuss it and forgive
each other. Openness here may include apology where necessary. Saying ‘I am
sorry’ can be the healing balm your spouse needs sometimes.
Be
vulnerable about your area of weakness: Another area of
openness is in the area of those emotional inadequacies. Don't hide them from your
spouse. The Bible talks about the first couple being naked and not ashamed; it
is important that your spouse knows your areas of weakness and possibly the
foundation of such weakness even during courtship. It helps the spouse know how
to relate with you without seeking to hurt you unnecessarily. It is better that
someone knows your weakness and still chooses to marry you than you hide it and
begin to suffer on account of it in marriage.
Talk
about the issue - at the right time: Sometimes the
immediate cause of a quarrel could be the time a spouse chooses to discuss an
issue. It could also be the manner the spouse chooses to adopt in expressing
the issue.
Therefore it is important to choose the right time, the right place
and the right format. Certain issues should not be discussed via phone call,
mobile chat room or SMS. Even when doing so face to face, it is necessary that
it is done when the other person is in the right mode for such discussion.
Don't raise certain issues when someone is about to sleep off or when the
person just returned home and is yet to have a meal and relax. Study your
spouse, to know when to talk about issues with them.
Listen
to your spouse: Listening is one skill that is not
taught in school, yet it has been found to make over 50 percent of human
communication time. It becomes necessary that everyone learns the act of intentional
listening, so that they are able to listen with all attention and not listen
passively. Listening passively sometimes makes the other person feel they are
being ignored. It also results in selective listening - a situation where the
person chooses what to take and what to discard without giving proper attention
to what is being said. Not listening could also be because discussion happens
at the wrong time.
Seek
to understand each other's view: This point is the
direct result of either listening passively or listening actively. Listening
with the intent to understand requires listening with empathy (get inside
another person’s frame of mind). Seeking first to understand, and then be
understood. Sometimes when the two people are able to understand each other,
they discover that they were actually making the same point in different ways.
Don't be in a hurry to respond without first getting the point the other person
was making.
Be
patient and trust each other's assistance as you improve:
When the immediate cause of a quarrel is usually one spouse's display of an
attitude the other spouse dislikes, there is need for patience especially when
the spouse involved is making effort to improve. I often say that no one is
perfect, meaning that there is some form of weakness everyone displays.
Therefore before you lose it on account of what your spouse has done or not
done, think about your own shortcomings and choose to assist them to improve.
You need not give up because quarrels
have persisted overtime in your marriage, keep working at it. If both of you
are sincere, you would notice that every time you fail to quarrel, your
relationship becomes stronger. So remain focused, you are on a winning trip.
Talks
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