In 2008, I participated in
a leadership programme and one of the topics discussed in the subject of Family
Success during the week long programme is Sex. During the class on Sex, a woman
asked a question. She said that as a married couple, they always prayed and
asked God for forgiveness each time they had sex. She wanted to know if that
was proper. The spontaneous response to her question was unanimous laughter in
the hall of more than 200 people. Though the facilitator of the session
explained to her why that was no longer necessary since they were already
married and were not committing any sin, the incident revealed the couple’s
orientation about sex and how they still related to each other sexually. What
people do per time about sex depends on the level of knowledge they have and
their perception of sex over time; the level of knowledge they have depends on
information sources they expose themselves to. Other factors could also include
the culture of the environment they are raised.
Communication is the
sharing of messages in form of ideas, thoughts, views, cues, signals, symbols,
written words, spoken words, and feelings from one person or place to another.
This shows that communication requires giving and receiving; coding and
decoding. One person is the giver or the source; the other person is the
receiver or the recipient. This goes on in cycles, because communication is
about sharing, not merely transmission – it is not complete without a feedback.
Communication in sex for the married requires that couples should share their
views about sex with each other before they tie the knot, after they tie the
knot and continuously in marriage. They also need to communicate with each
other on sex before the act, while in the act and after the act. A healthy marital
sex life begins with a healthy communication.
Discussing sex before
marriage requires an honest enquiry into each other’s orientation of sex while
growing up into adulthood. It requires disclosing if one has been sexually
abused in any way and the effect of such abuse. It requires knowing if someone
had engaged in conscientious sex before they met each other; how many times and
with how many people. It requires finding out if there is a child somewhere as
a result of such sexual engagement in the past. It also requires knowing if
either of them has abused someone sexually before then. Such discussion should
reveal if there is an unhealthy habit someone was battling, for example:
masturbation, pornography. It is also a time to confirm if both or either of
the two was a virgin. For the ladies, it may be necessary to reveal if the
hymen was already broken in the course of sporting activity or any other reason
apart from sexual intercourse. If someone had engaged in sex, it is good to
confirm if they had or were treating any sexually transmitted disease. When
such issues of the past are cleared, there should be a discussion on one’s
fears or apprehensions concerning first time sex.
It is possible that
someone reading this would wonder if it was safe for an intending couple to
discuss such details of oneself with the other person at such time. Well, my
response to that would be that I had such discussion with my intending wife
before she even responded to my marriage proposal. I wanted her to know me
enough to decide if she wanted to marry me. I do not advice this for everyone
because I understand that doing this could involve making oneself vulnerable
(especially in situations where one had really some worrying incidents in their
past). My advice is that such discussion should take place when both have
agreed to marry, when each person already knows that this was now the person they
would share their life with. What is important should be that if both people
have agreed to marry and are fine with each other on other areas, the past
experiences shared should be seen as past. Where there are consequences as a
result of the past, they should discuss on how to work around it. It is better
to be open at this time than to hide or ignore the issues and have same issues
hurt the marriage when they are eventually exposed someday.
After the wedding, couples
would have already started having sex with or making love to each other.
Therefore the nature of communication should move from understanding each
other’s past and orientation about sex, to knowing each other’s emotional
nuances and understanding each other’s body. Communication at this point would
involve asking questions on how one feels about being touched on a particular
part of the body. It could also involve checking out how spouses feel about
appearing nude before each other. Not every communication at this level should
be by asking, some can include touching and watching to see how the other
person responds. In fact I recommend that every newlywed couple go on
honeymoon. It does not matter if it is for two nights or two weeks. It does not
also matter if it is at a local or foreign destination. What matters is that
both of them are alone and have the freedom to explore each other sexually
without inhibitions. This is most desirable when either of the couple or both
are virgins.
As the marriage
progresses, communication in the area of sex should include discussions on
styles. Some people are more adventurous than others and this also plays out in
marital sex. While some would prefer to remain on the regular style, others may
desire to explore other possible ways. There should not be any form of
imposition and married couples should agree to do what is healthy for both. Discussing
and agreeing on styles would guarantee that both spouses enjoy it when it
happens. Discussions should also include where to have sex per time. Though it
is given that sex would normally take place in the couple’s bedroom, if a
spouse desires that it happens elsewhere in the home, it should not be an issue
to quarrel about. Let there be discussion on it. Surely such requests happen
when one spouse feels bored of doing it only in one place and feels that things
should be improved. Using somewhere else including another vacant bedroom in
the home; sitting room couch or floor as the case may be, could be a way of
spicing things up when it appears to be losing steam.
Another area of discussion
on sex comes with the arrival of children. This starts with sex during
pregnancy, to sex after delivery and then sex with protection for the purpose
of family planning and spacing children. Sex at this time in a marriage needs
to be discussed between two spouses because even though most men may be ever
ready for it their wives need attention, consideration and empathy more than
ever before at these times. For example, the first three months during
pregnancy requires handling a woman’s body carefully. The husband needs to be
patient with the wife at such time. If sex cannot happen, he needs to wait. The
second and third trimesters are periods of more sex depending on the
peculiarity of the pregnancy. After delivery, the woman’s body also needs to
recover to an extent before resuming for sex. This requires understanding from
the man also. Communication in the area of family planning and child spacing
options require discussing on what is most suitable for both spouses. The most
important issue at this point is that pregnancy that is not prepared for does
not happen.
Communicating before the
act, during the act and after the act involves giving a cue of desire for sex
by the initiating spouse to the other spouse. There needs not be a particular
way to do this; every couple should do what is appropriate. The important thing
here is that there is mutual consent before it happens. During the act, husband
should give time to the wife’s body and pay attention to what works so that he
focuses on it. He should be patient to work his wife’s body during fore-play so
that when she is fully ready, both of them can enjoy the act. Remember that
either of the couple can initiate sex and the fact that someone needs it at a
particular time requires the other person to give it. In sex and in line with
the Bible, no one has control of their body; the body belongs to the other
person. Not engaging in it par time must be based on mutual consent. After the
act, the man should also communicate care by cuddling the wife for some time
before either sleeping off or walking away (as the case may be). Spouses should
be free to touch each other without the intention of having sex. It promotes
bonding and communicates flexibility. Kissing should not be reserved to
fore-play but should be done as often as desirable any moment and at any place.
‘You are married; you are one; be free to say what you desire; be free to
explore; don’t behave to each other as though you are strangers’.
I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone, next
edition we discuss ‘understanding your spouse’s body’.
Talks
Post a Comment