I once heard
someone tell the story of a newlywed couple whom the pastor asked about their
honeymoon. The wife replied, ‘I didn’t really enjoy it’; when she was asked,
why, she said, ‘it was just about sex, sex, sex’. The husband smiled and told
the pastor, that it was fine, because the primary reason for the trip was the
sex. Well, as a man I agree with the husband. The primary reason for honeymoon
is to have sex and get more acquainted with each other sexually especially if
the couple never did that before the wedding. The sight-seeing and other events
are designed to result in romantic ending for sex to happen. In fact I was almost
surprised that my wife was not ready for it the night we arrived our honeymoon
destination. She said she wanted to sleep because it was a long trip by road,
as part of the fun. Interestingly I was also tired but wanted to do it before
sleeping because for me, we had traveled that far distance to be alone for
that reason. This shows one of the differences between how men think and how
women think in relation to sex. The man can play down on tiredness,
misunderstanding, excitement or grief and enjoy sex while a woman would want to
give full attention to any of these and sort them out before thinking of sex.
A lady once told me of how she began to respond to her husband’s
request for sex out of duty, because the man came for it every day. She said
she could not understand how it was convenient for him to want sex daily after
both of them would have gotten home tired from work. So in order not to appear
like a difficult person, she would just allow him do it without really
participating. These scenarios when not well managed could lead to quarrels in the
home. Gary Chapman in his book, “Things I wish I’d known before we got married”
puts it this way:
“I was fully male; she was fully female—and we had a high level of
sexual attraction for each other. I anticipated that this part of marriage was
going to be heaven for both of us. After the wedding, I discovered that what is
heavenly for one may be hell for the other. No one told me that males and
females are different. To be sure, I knew the obvious physiological
differences, but I knew almost nothing about female sexuality. I thought she
would enjoy it as much as I did; that she would want to do it as often as I
did; and that what pleasured me would also pleasure her. I repeat: I knew
almost nothing about female sexuality. And I discovered that she knew little about
male sexuality”. Chapman (2010).
Though these experiences may be
general for most couples, there are few instances where some wives actually
want to do it more than the husbands. That also requires being properly
managed. A woman once talked about how she got into marriage expecting to have
as much sex as she desired. She however realized quickly that the husband did
not want it as much. So she tried making moves to make it happen more often,
but had to learn to align with him seeing that, that was his person in that
aspect. The point here is, beyond frequency of having sex; there are certain
things every wife should always bear in mind concerning their husband when it
comes to sex. Those things depict the way men are wired.
The husband is analytical and
logical in the way he views having sex. To him it is a physical need that has
to be met. Just as eating food when one is hungry; the husband does not view
sex as something that has to wait because he is not happy about something. By
nature the husband is ready for sex within seconds of thinking about it.
Nothing much needs to be done to get him ready. In fact I once had a
conversation with someone about the benefit of fore-play to the man during sex.
The person told me that everything about fore-play is to get the woman ready. I
agreed with him and it was difficult to find a benefit for the man, until I
mentioned that in the context of marriage, fore-play helps for proper
emotional, physical and psychological connection that differentiates sex with
one’s spouse from sex with a prostitute. The husband is wired to give by the
nature of their body and the body is ready to do it once the mind is connected
to it. The only thing that stops a man is if the mind is not fully connected.
This really makes the mind the most important sex organ. So instead of always
using emotional excuses like tiredness, unhappiness and in some cases faking
headache to avoid sex; wives should engage their husbands in honest
communication to have their understanding about timing and circumstances. I
believe that husbands are not irrational; they should also learn to understand
with their wives where necessary to ensure that both enjoy sex each time it
happens.
Also the husband is moved by
what he sees. One of the reasons some adverts use nude or half nude pictures of
ladies to project products that have nothing to do with sex is to attract men. Men
are sexually attracted to such pictures. Many men try to manage themselves and
not always look at such pictures and women who dress in certain manners.
However a married woman should ensure that she displays such sights for her
husband at home. Also putting on lingerie in the bedroom should be something a
married woman should do regularly. I often joke that my wife’s body is meant
for only me to see, so she should show it to me exclusively always. Dressing
well and appearing well before the husband is also important and husbands
should complement their wives’ dressing openly and while at home to show that
such is appreciated. ‘If the hairdo is not what the man would love to see, he
should say so; don’t grumble within and then go out and complement another
person having what you would love to see on your wife when you have not told
her’. A wife could become less attractive to the husband for sex if she
continually dresses in ways that put him off especially if the man has raised
issues with that in the past.
Another factor is that the
husband wants to be respected. It is often said that respect is reciprocal,
which implies that whoever desires respect, should also show respect to the
other person. However men are known to naturally have ego; which impacts on the
way they tend to handle issues. Therefore marriage requires that a wife
recognizes this and respects the husband, to maintain harmony in the home. A
man, who feels constantly disrespected, would eventually feel distanced from
the wife. A husband who feels and experiences constant disrespect from the
wife, but gets it from co-workers outside the home, may eventually become more
committed to the person who gives him most respect outside the home. When a
husband’s commitment to the wife begins to dwindle due to lack of respect, it
affects sex in the home. Regular unwillingness for sex by a wife could be seen
as lack of respect by the man. In fact in some instances it has been seen as
rejection. Spouses should always seek balance in this as two wrongs do not make
a right.
In addition to this, marriage
requires a man to be the head; this headship has responsibility for leadership
in it. A major aspect of this leadership responsibility is providing for the
family. When a man is not able to temporarily provide due to one reason or the
other it affects his ego. At such times, they should remain positive and work with
the wife to retain their respect. No man should become lazy, overly demanding
and grumpy in such situations, but supportive to the wife especially when the wife
is seeking to provide for the family. Showing wrong attitude may affect his
relationship with the wife and this could include their sex life.
May I also mention that for the
husband, getting to orgasm is much easier and ends the sex session. The wife
should not be so surprised that he ends it immediately that happens for him
because that’s the way the man is. I believe that spouses should work together
to ensure that the wife gets as much pleasure as she can get including orgasm
possibly before the man gets to climax. Also when the man gets to climax, he
should remember that the woman still desires to be brought to a relaxed end
through cuddling to ensure a good and pleasant memory for her also.
I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone, next
edition we discuss the place and importance of communication in sex for the
married.
Talks
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