I once watched a movie where a
wife engaged in extra-marital sexual relationships because she claimed that she
was not sexually satisfied at home. In fact she told her husband’s best friend
who tried talking with her about it, that her sex drive was much higher than
that of her husband and that the husband would never be able to satisfy her.
This is another major area of communication in sex for the married, therefore,
though I was to discuss ‘understanding your spouse’s body’ in this edition, I
realised that the issue of discussing sex drive was not mentioned in the last edition on communication, so I
decided to write on it first, before proceeding to ‘understanding your spouse’s
body’. Besides what I saw in that movie, I have also come across married people
who talked about how their expectation for much sex in marriage was dashed
because they got into the marriage and realised that the other person did not have
as much drive as they desired.
Sex drive has to do with
someone’s urge to seek satisfaction of his or her sexual need. This is also
called libido. Every individual has sexual need, but people’s urge for sexual
satisfaction differ. It is proven by research in certain locations, that men
have higher sex drive than women. This assertion is based on the fact that men
approach sex in a more direct manner than women. Also, apart from their
emotional approach to sex, certain cultural and environmental factors
contribute to how women view and approach sex, hence the conclusion that they
generally have lower sex drive than men. However, this assertion does not apply
in absolute terms in reality. Many women have been found to possess higher sex
drive than their husbands, just as many men have been found to possess lower
sex drive than their wives. I have also realized that certain men go into
marriage believing that they have higher sex drive than their wife and behave
as though they are in-charge of how much sex that happens in the marriage. They
however later realise that their wives desired more sex but decided to step
down their expectation as part of submission in marriage. This is the reason it
should be a subject of communication between spouses. It is not a sign of
weakness if a man acknowledges that he has lower sex drive than his wife. Also a woman should not be viewed as being
arrogant if she expresses that she has higher sex drive than her husband.
Individuals differ and everyone should go into a relationship bearing in mind
that there are certain differences they need to grapple with. Someone told me
of a lady that said she could go for over two month without sex and be fine.
This contrasts with the experience of certain men who would hardly go without
sex within five days. If these two people happen to be married couple, it is
only a sincere discussion that can help them manage their urge for sexual
satisfaction without destabilising their marriage.
Discussing differences in sex
drive should happen before the marriage and within the marriage. At the time
couples are in courtship, their discussions on sex should include finding out
how much each person is looking forward to having sex during the marriage. It
should be a mutual discussion between them and as adults; their responses
should guide their expectations in this area. However when they get married and
begin having sex, they should not be shy about expressing their views of each
other whether or not the experience differs from what was discussed before
marriage. My recommendation is that no matter the level of sex drive any one
brings into marriage, each party should be willing to adjust as reality sets
in. Someone who has higher drive should be willing to adjust downwards, while
the person with lower drive should be willing to adjust upwards.
Besides the natural drive
anyone brings on board, certain factors in marriage affect the individual’s sex
drive per time. For example, work stress could affect someone’s sex drive. If
such a person was known to be higher, there may be a drop and the other spouse
should be ready to bear during that period till it picks again. Also pregnancy and
raising children, can affect sex drive. At such period, the other spouse should
be willing to bear. However no spouse should take the other person for granted.
If someone constantly gives excuses when it comes to sex in marriage, it does
not really help the emotions of the other person. I have met husbands who see
constant excuses as a sign of disrespect and rejection while certain wives also
see it as lack of care from their spouse. Also there have been situations where
the person who has higher sex drive continues to take advantage of the other
spouse’s submission, without caring to know their feelings about frequent demands
for sex. Either way, this can grow into a much bigger issue, sometimes leading
to domestic violence, divorce or temporary separation. Before it gets to that
point, couples should discuss it to avert such ugly situations.
Another issue that is related
to sex drive in marriage is frequency of having sex and duration of sex
session. I must acknowledge that marriage allows couples to have as much sex as
they desire. This can be daily or even multiple times in a day. It can also be
one round per session or more than one round per session. Yet sex is not the
only thing couples do in marriage. Therefore the kind of frequency described
here is not always the case especially when children are growing up. Couples
should discuss on what is realistic between them taking into cognizance the
nature of their vocations and time for the children and other concerns. I
however believe that no particular frequency should be constant. Flexibility in
timing and spontaneity in action make sex in marriage more pleasurable. If
couples feel they could do with two or three times a week, I do not think it
should be fixed on particular days of the week or particular time of the day.
It could also be less than the number of days or more depending on the
circumstances. Sometimes it may not even happen during certain weeks, but
should not be left to linger for so long. I also believe that couples should
give room for ‘quickies’. This is a situation where sex intentionally ends
within a shorter duration than usual.
Couples should engage each
other in certain ways to keep the mood and continuously improve sex drive. Such
engagements are indirect forms of communication. One of the ways should be for
each spouse to be strategic and take advantage of what excites the other person
sexually. For instance a woman who desires to have sex but knows the husband
has lower sex drive, should seek to seduce him in the bedroom through her
dressing. Men are known to be moved by what they see. So the woman should dress
to expose herself to her husband intentionally for that purpose. In addition to
exposing her body in the bedroom, she should also keep her hair and home
dressing neat, avoiding what she knows her husband would not like to see her
wearing. This helps to keep her attractive to her husband. Also she should seek
ways to touch him in certain manner to distract him from whatever he may be
engaging himself with at a time they should be enjoying intimacy with each
other. Also a man who is seeking to get the attention of his wife, who has low
sex drive, should engage in home chores with her. Assisting her in doing
certain things at home, would help open her mind towards sex with him. He
should also learn to affirm her through words. Husbands generally should be
generous with words of affirmation and romantic words towards their wives,
especially when they seek to get their attention for intimate actions. Husbands
should also be generous in meeting their wives material needs whether the woman
is earning a regular income or not. This does not have to be excessive, but
within the available means of the man.
These actions may not always
guarantee that sexual intercourse would happen in each case, but would help
keep the atmosphere aglow for it to happen whenever it has to happen. The
atmosphere in the home has a lot to contribute in how sex drive is managed and
expressed. Where there is harmony, trust and understanding, romance thrives and
sex is easier to happen. Where there is strife and distrust, couples struggle
with keeping romance and struggle with sex also.
I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone, next
edition we discuss ‘understanding your spouse’s body’.
Talks
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