When I started
courtship, one of the things that baffled me was the way my fiancée (now my
wife) and I saw and responded to issues so differently. Sometimes we would
already be nearing arguments on little matters before someone suddenly sees
from the other person’s angle. It was in the midst of that I read a book ‘Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus’ by
John Grey, PhD. In the book I discovered that there are differences in the
way men and women are wired. One striking difference is in the way both sexes
handle issues. For example, ‘A
Venusian (woman) feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom
to share her feelings and problems. A Martian (man) feels good when he can
solve his problems on his own in his cave’. This
helped me understand a bit of why we were responding to issues differently and
I understood that expecting her to approach issues the way I did would always
result in unnecessary arguments because this difference between man and woman would
continue. I discussed my findings with
her and we have been better for it in our relationship.
Another aspect of a woman’s wiring
that the book thought me is that a woman responds to issues based on her
feelings and the quality of her relationships. This comes alive when one
discovers that a major need to most women is spending quality time with them.
It is also the need to be listened to, without necessarily seeking to solve the
problem, just to have room for the issues to be discussed. These make them feel
good and secured in their relationship. The woman loves attention and being
heard. If something is bothering a woman, she wants to talk about it; talking about
that issue helps give her relief from it. She wants her partner to listen
attentively, without necessarily offering a solution at that point. Just
Listen!!!
These characteristics reveal how much
a woman’s action is tied to her feelings per time. If a woman is happy;
everyone around her needs to share in the happiness; if she is sad, everyone
around her needs to share in the sadness. Interestingly this affects how a
married woman responds to sex with her husband.
When it comes to sex, a married woman wants
to feel loved, cherished and secure to engage in it. To them, it is more of
making love, ‘giving expression to the love that exists between us’. They like
sex and they enjoy sex better within the context of expressing their love to
their man, as against doing it as a duty to their husband. Therefore, a man
should cultivate love with the wife to ensure they are ever available for sex. A
man should know how to woo her wife to lovemaking. For example, checking on
one’s wife during the day should not be because the man is thinking of having
sex with her in the night; it should be because the man loves and cares for
her. Undoubtedly, when a woman realises that it is out of love and care, she
would more often be available for sex than when she realizes that it is because
of desire to have sex.
Also at the point of the act, a woman
needs to be turned on. This is a process of lubricating her body to be able to
accept the man’s body with ease and enjoy intercourse. Now whereas adequate
fore-play session makes this happen, it is the state of the woman’s feeling at
that moment, that ultimately determines how much the fore-play is effective.
Therefore, if there was an unsettled quarrel or argument with a wife, it is
better that the husband focuses on settling that before touching her for sex.
The interactions during the day should build a positive atmosphere and loving
feeling in her to enable her turn on during the fore-play. If she is tired,
that is not a good feeling for sex to take place. It is better to massage her
body to relaxation before going ahead to sexual act. It is not proper for a
husband to simply jump on the wife for an intercourse without taking note of
her mood at the moment.
The quality of a wife’s relationship
with her husband influences how much she enjoys sex with him. Compared to level
of education, age and belief system, research shows that the state of a woman’s
relationship contributes the most in her ability to reach orgasm. As a married
woman therefore, the more secured and loving a wife feels towards the partner,
the more likelihood of a pleasurable sexual relation between them. When spouses
are close to each other, they are more likely to engage in additional acts
beyond mere vaginal intercourse. These would help bring a woman to orgasm. For
instance, researches have shown that over 75% of women are likely not to reach
orgasm by vaginal intercourse alone. This is because reaching orgasm for a
woman has more to do with the clitoris that the penile movement in her vagina.
Therefore combining vaginal intercourse with clitoral stimulation would more
likely guarantee orgasm for a woman. This is on the ground that the woman feels
secured in that relationship. Ultimately, the feelings of a wife play major
role in the way the sex goes. When she feels good, she responds better and when
she responds better, the husband is further motivated to make more pleasurable
moves. In the end, both the man and the woman benefit.
Another
aspect of a woman’s feeling that plays a role during sex is openness to
communicate. John Grey says ‘Communication is of primary importance.
To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals
and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous
fulfilment’.
Communication before, during and after a session of sex, helps the woman’s
confidence and interest in sex with her man. Before sex, she wants to hear
affirmative words, erotic words, positive words about herself and her body.
During sex, she wants to hear and be heard. The wife wants be asked question
about how she wants to be touched; where she wants to be touched; how she wants
it done. She wants to respond and say how she wants it done. She wants her man
to listen to her unspoken response about the point of touch she enjoys and to
stay a bit longer on it as a response. After the sex, the wife wants to be
cuddled as a show of love. That unspoken appreciation helps her relax. The
temptation for the man is always to finish and sleep off or stand up and leave
(as the case may be). It is not so for the woman. She is emotionally connected
she wants to hear and wants to be heard.
I believe that this edition has been a
blessing to someone, next edition we discuss on the reasons men respond to sex
the way they do.
Kindly send all questions to nwanduike@gmail.com.
Talks
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