One major aspect of marriage
that no one may effectively advise anyone beyond certain level before marriage is
parenting. This is because every couple has unique experience based on when
they start bearing children and the personalities of their children. It is not
also advisable for couples to raise their children the way their own parents
raised them. The times are different; the children are not the same and the
circumstances around their upbringing also differ. Some things are however
constant for every couple; for instance, parenting would put pressure on the
time spouses spend with each other; it will put some pressure on the finance of
the home; it will also affect the sex life of the couple. However just as
couples must find ways of improving family finance and time they spend with
each other; they should also discover ways of improving their sex life as
parenting continues. We look at the way parenting affects sex for the married
and how couples can create a balance.
It begins with pregnancy. The
first three months of pregnancy also known as the first trimester, is the most
difficult for most women. The changes that occur with conception and the
implantation of the foetus result in certain changes to the woman’s body. They
are mostly delicate times for the woman and the foetus as the fear of
miscarriage keeps them from doing certain things that require serious body
movement, including sex. Therefore husbands have to keep themselves from asking
and ‘endure’ the no sex season as it
lasts. The situation changes again to season of normal sex from second
trimester till delivery in most cases.
Immediately after the delivery,
couples also go off sex. Most times it is advised that couples wait till after
six weeks to resume sex; even though I know of situations where some have
resumed as early as two weeks after delivery. Therefore people’s experiences
may differ, but there must be some break before couples resume normal sex after
delivery. This is to allow the woman’s body recover to a reasonable extent.
Remember that the same channel for sexual intercourse has played a vital role
in the process of child delivery. The husband needs to understand and adjust as
the period of recovery lasts.
As the wife begins
breastfeeding and attending to the baby, her attention is largely focused on
ensuring that the baby is taken care of. Therefore even when the sex resumes,
the husband should bear in mind that it may not be as regular as it was before
the baby arrived. Also remembering that sex is the beginning of making a baby, couples
need to note that it is risky having unprotected sex when they are not ready
for another baby just yet. These are some of the ways parenting begins to affect
sex for the married. I must also mention that as the children begin to grow,
couples also become a bit restricted in terms of time and place for sex. The freedom
to do it any time and at any place is reduced.
In order to ensure that
parenting does not necessarily stop sex or affect it so much, couples should do
the following:
1.
Be deliberate about ensuring
that your sex life maintains the glow despite the demands of parenting. Don’t
leave it to chance and believe that it would always happen.
2.
Decide on how to handle sex after
delivery during the pregnancy. This would help reduce pressure on you as both
of you already know what has been agreed.
3.
Decide on the type of
contraceptive you would adopt and make it available as you resume sex after
delivery. Breastfeeding is not a reliable reason to continue with unprotected
sex. Counting the menstrual cycle is not also reliable because regular cycle
does not start till after many months for most women.
4.
Husband should understand that
some wife may not be ready for sex immediately, even after the six weeks.
Instead of getting distressed, he should apply those skills that help him turn
her on and encourage her.
5.
Wife should also remember that
the man’s body is wired differently; he needs sex irrespective of the parenting
pressures. So please create room for that; it is part of the marriage experience.
6.
Couples should also be willing
to touch and kiss each other often without necessarily progressing to
intercourse. This can help them go through those periods of waiting.
7.
During pregnancy, they should
utilize the second and third trimester to have as much sex as they have the
opportunity to enjoy. There is no fear of getting pregnant when the person is
pregnant. So it is an opportunity to have as much unprotected sex as they can
afford.
Parenting is beautiful; sex is beautiful. Couples must find
peculiar ways of ensuring that one is not given attention at the expense of the
other.
I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone. Your
comments are appreciated. Next edition we discuss, ‘SEX AND FAMILY FINANCE?’
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