One way to understand genuine
love is ability to make sacrifices. One place where sacrifice is needed for
harmony is in marriage. When we considered what the bible says about sex
earlier in the series, we emphasized the following injunction: ‘The marriage
bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the
wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for
your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out’
(1 Cor.7:4, MSG). The Bible is clear as can be seen in this passage, that mutuality
is required with each spouse making sacrifices to satisfy the other in bed.
This is the reason we have discussed how to understand your spouse’s emotional
response to sex and the sex related parts of the person’s body. This article discusses
why spouses should focus on satisfying each other and how this can be achieved.
Every human
being would naturally seek what benefits them as individuals. No one wants to
be cheated. No one wants to feel taken advantage of. In marriage however, love
that endures requires sacrifice; thinking and acting beyond self. Seeking
mutual benefit during sex in marriage helps couples maintain emotional and
physical bond with each other. Those who engage in sexual relationship outside
marriage are often about their individual satisfaction. The man wants to be
satisfied without doing much to ensure the woman is satisfied and vice versa.
For example, stories have been told of older women who hire younger men to have
sex with them for the older women’s satisfaction. The younger men are in the
contract for the money. Also men who patronize women in brothels do so to
satisfy their selfish desires. The women are in the business for the money. In
marriage it is not so. No one is expected to ask for any form of payment from
the other person for sex to take place. Though one spouse initiates per time, both
are expected to ensure that there is mutual satisfaction.
The oneness
couples live to achieve in marriage is such that as the marriage becomes older,
no one would be able to know the areas of differences between the couple. One
way to maintain such strong bond is by ensuring mutual benefit in bed. Mutual
sexual satisfaction could also increase trust in the marriage. If a spouse
continually sees that the other is constantly seeking to satisfy him or her in
bed, they would not easily think of
cheating on each other. However when couples are constantly having sex to
fulfil a duty, it would be easy for someone to lure them into extra-marital
sexual relationship. May I quickly mention that lack of sexual satisfaction is
not and should not be an excuse for extra-marital relationship; however couples
should not create an atmosphere that makes them susceptible to any form of
temptation. Building and maintaining trust in marriage goes beyond what happens
under the sheet; yet it is important that what happens there become a positive
reason to encourage trust in the marriage. Sexual satisfaction in marriage is
important to the husband as much as it is to the wife; no one should deprive
the other for any reason.
How can
spouses ensure each other’s sexual satisfaction? We begin by clarifying what it
means to satisfy each other in this context. Satisfying one’s spouse has to do
with doing what benefits the other person. It means that the husband seeks to
do what pleases the wife while the wife does what pleases the husband. It means
that each person understands what makes the other happy and does it. When both
of them continually do what pleases the other, mutual satisfaction is achieved.
Bearing in
mind that sex begins with what happens before the act, it is important that
couples ensure they satisfy each other emotionally on a daily basis. One way to
do this is by speaking each other’s love language. In his book: THE FIVE LOVE
LANGUAGES, Gary Chapman talks about:
·
Words
of Affirmation
·
Acts of
Service
·
Receiving
Gifts
·
Quality
Time
·
Physical
Touch
These are the
different love languages each spouse wants the other to communicate.
Interestingly
what tends to happen is that without trying to find out the other person’s love
language, spouses tend to speak their own love language to the other person and
keep getting the wrong results. For example, the fact that as a husband I like
receiving gifts does not mean that I should be buying gifts for my wife; rather
it means that my wife should be buying gifts for me. I should find out what her
love language is and speak it. If as a
husband, I like to hear words of affirmation from my wife, the more she speaks
that, the more emotional benefit she deposits in me. Also if my wife desires
that I spend quality time with her; that is her love language. The more I do
that the more emotional benefit I deposit in her. The more a couple constantly
deposit emotionally in each other, the closer they become, the more willing
they are to be with each other and the easier it is for them to enjoy sexual
relationship.
Another way to
ensure one’s spouse’s satisfaction is by discussing about what each person
likes. Early in relationship, couples tend to discuss freely about their
personal likes and dislikes especially in the area of sex. This tends to be an
extension of courtship, honeymoon seasons. However as parenting and other home
affairs begin calling attention; some couples hardly discuss such things. Even
when sex happens, it is just to meet a need at the moment. This should not be
so. Inasmuch as sex may appear insignificant an issue in the face of finance,
parenting, in-laws, and so on, it requires as much attention as all those issues.
When couples deliberately give all these issues the required attention in
proper proportion, they ensure harmony in the home. So talk about each other,
find out what one likes without making it a formal talk session. Take a walk
and gist. Tease each other and get responses. After a sex session, pass a
complement and listen for a response. This way you pick some information that
would be useful in satisfying the other person. When someone sees an article
that discusses about sex for the married, bring it to the attention of the
other person to find out their view of the issues raised. What is required is
openness to accept and willingness to improve.
One more way
to ensure satisfaction is by suggesting something new or something different
during sex. Innovation and flexibility are required to achieve something new in
bed. There is nothing to be shy about. The man is your husband; the woman is
your wife; the sex is for the good of your marriage. Don’t insist on having
your way each time you suggest something new. Listen for objections; respond to
concerns; drop it if resistance is stiff. Urge for trial if doubt persists; show
how it would benefit the other person and how both of you would be better for
it. Eventually it may be accepted; if not, move on and keep enjoying what is
working for both of you.
I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone. Your
comments are appreciated. Next edition we discuss ‘Why Approach Matters’.
Talks
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