HOW TO HANDLE DIFFICULT IN-LAWS

During our pre-marital counselling classes, my wife and I were asked who we would support if during marriage, there was an issue between either of us and the other person’s mother or father. Both of us responded that we would support each other. This response is based on the understanding that once married the Bible states that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and both of them become one. The interpretation for us is that once married, our parents become third party. In marriage, we now belong to each other and we ought to defend each other and support each other in every situation.

Many couples enjoy harmonious relationship with their parents and other relatives; yet several others constantly complain of how overbearing their in-laws have become. They talk about how such in-laws constantly interfere in the affairs of the home. They wonder where they need to draw the line and how they can handle such situation without breaking the expected peace. It is such in-law who constantly interferes and shows overbearing behaviour towards the couple that is referred to as a difficult in-law.

TIPS TO CONSIDER

Identify why they do what they do: Don’t assume that the person concerned hates you and your spouse. There may be a history behind their actions. Identify it and that knowledge would help in the way you respond.

Agree with your spouse on a common response: Having identified what may be the reason for the person’s actions, you need to decide on the best approach to respond. My advice is that love should be the guiding principle.

Know when to confront the issue: Always bear in mind that most times, difficult in-laws are unduly protective of their relative (son, daughter, sister, brother). Therefore when there is need to confront, it should be about the issue not the person. Confronting the person may aggravate than resolve the issue.

Let the relative confront the issue: It is true that the man is the head of the home; however if the difficult in-law is the woman’s relative, it is better for the woman to confront the issue. Doing so and stating what the couple would have agreed would help the in-law respect the unity between the couple.

Avoid keeping malice: Sometimes a difficult in-law’s conduct could become so infuriating that there may be a tendency to keep malice against the person. You must realize that when you keep malice you hurt yourself rather than the other person. So resist the tendency to do so and do all you can to keep the peace.

Do good: Paying evil with good is a biblical principle that has proven to be profitable to both parties. So if a difficult in-law has needs you can meet, please don’t hesitate to do something about it. I would even recommend that if the person is of the husband’s family, let the wife deliver the good gift and if the person is of the wife’s family, the husband should deliver the good gift.