HOW TO ACHIEVE A HEALTHY SEX LIFE

In the previous articles, I have defined a healthy sex life as a sexual relationship that assures spiritual, physical, emotional and mental fulfilment. I have also stated that in a marriage where sex is healthy, sex does not just happen, but happens with all-round fulfilment for the couple. Besides the fact that some couples do not see reasons to pursue a healthy sex life, there are couples who believe it is necessary but do not know how to work it out.

The starting point to achieving a healthy sex life in marriage is acceptance of the need; it also requires willingness to make changes and boldness to act. If a couple would take steps to improve their family finance; if they would act to improve their parenting skills among other things, they should be equally ready to take steps towards achieving a healthy sex life in their marriage. This article outlines some actions that would help couples pursue and achieve a healthy sex life.

Accept that Sex is an Integral aspect of Marriage

This is very important because many couples do not realise the place of sexual intimacy until lack of it takes their marriage to the rocks. Sex in marriage has the same status as finance, the same status as parenting, in-laws, among others. Whereas most marriages have defined ways of dealing with the other aspects of marriage, they leave the issue of sex to chance. Some men even use the excuse that they are ‘looking for money’ to deny their spouse sex. Some women also expect their husbands to ‘understand’ that they have been attending to the children and need rest, when they ask for sex. Just the way you work around challenges to ensure financial provision and parental attention, so everything ought to be done to ensure that sexual intimacy in the home does not suffer.

Sincerely discuss Sex issues with your Spouse

Having accepted sex as an integral aspect of marriage, couples should learn to have sincere discussions on sex matters. In most homes there is planning for finance, planning for children schooling, planning for in-laws welfare among others; there should also be planning for sex. Not in the sense of planning time for it, but in the sense of talking about it without feeling ashamed. For example, there should not be a situation where a wife would remind the husband that they have not met in weeks; instead of the husband to discuss the way out, he simply tells the wife that he is thinking of school fees or home rent and she should not be talking about sex. If there is a reason the man has not met with her in weeks, he should be open on that, realizing that the wife is being denied of a major need in the relationship. Getting school fees is important, and sex with your wife is equally important.

Be mentally open to changes on your initial Beliefs about Sex

Everyone gets into marriage with certain orientation about sex. While some looked forward to it in marriage, others were cautious about how they approached it having been taught that it was sin. There are also some who are open to it, but are not willing to be adventurous. These varieties of people meet their opposites in marriage and find it difficult to adjust their beliefs. This inhibits pursuing a healthy sex life because the most important sex organ is said to be the mind. Therefore so long as these individuals relate with their spouse sexually having such skewed beliefs, the couple suffer sexually. The spouse who is open should encourage the other spouse, while the spouse with skewed mind-set should be willing to make changes.

Learn new things Together

Sex in marriage is for the benefit of the two individuals. Irrespective of who is more exposed, couples need to discuss and learn new things together. Growing together in knowledge helps couples accommodate certain ideas. Learning together does not however demand that they always sit together to read up or listen to such information. Where this is possible, it will be great; however where it is not, the person who learns, should teach the other. Then both should practice the idea when it is accepted by the other spouse. This builds understanding and eliminates imbalance in knowledge per time.

Be patient about slow acceptance to ideas

Learning something new may be exciting but it takes some people more time than it does others to get used to new ideas. This is particularly the case when it has to do with sex because sometimes it requires mental shift. Therefore the stronger spouse should endeavour to be patient with the other in the process. Sometimes the person needs time to unlearn the wrong thing that may have been learnt over the years. It could also be that the person was abused and they need some time to mentally recover from that experience.

Develop realistic Expectations

A lady once told me of how she developed interest in sex based on her understanding of what it means to her in marriage; so she got into marriage expecting to do it often and to enjoy it. However she quickly realised that contrary to her expectation, her husband appears more reserved in his demand for sex. So she had to adjust her expectation in line with what the husband is willing to offer. This can also be the other way in the case of a man who had high expectations and meets a wife who is reserved. Developing realistic expectation helps you accommodate what is available as you try to influence your spouse for some improvement.

Be considerate about your demands

This is one of the reasons each spouse should develop realistic expectation. Someone once told me how he was carried away in the first week of their marriage and asked for sex daily in some occasions twice daily. Inasmuch as there is nothing wrong with this, he failed to realise that the wife was a bit reserved about sex. So one afternoon he wanted sex, the wife made a comment that connotes a feeling of being used. He had to withdraw his request but reminded the wife that they were married, so she was not being used. The wife understood the message and was ready for him later that day for a long session of sex. There is always need for each spouse to consider the other in making their demands. If the other person is always ready for it, you are free to demand always, but when the other person is reserved, then learn to regulate your demand.

Take steps to increase your sex drive

I have asked some people if they thought it is necessary for a spouse to increase their sex drive in marriage. They agreed that it is important especially if that would benefit the marriage. They however pointed out that it has to be through healthy means, including fruits, and exercises. The point here is that if someone: husband or wife realizes that their sex drive is quite lower than that of the other spouse; they should seek healthy ways of improving on that. This is especially important if the other spouse has complained about it. I know that some men believe that because they are usually assumed to have higher sex drive than women, whatever is the level of their sex drive must be higher than that of their wife. This is not always the case. Open and honest discussion will help you know each other’s level and whoever is lower should seek ways to improve.