WHAT MAKES A HEALTHY SEX LIFE

My interactions with couples on sexual relationships with each other, reveal various forms of complains. Some of these include: Husband wants sex, but wife resists; wife can’t understand why husband hasn’t asked for sex for some time; wife feels pressured to give husband sex any time he asks; both husband and wife wonder if some activity they want to try would be dishonouring to God; sometimes either husband or wife, or both, struggle to put their sexual past behind them; husband and/or wife use the Bible to bolster their hardened position, or wrestle with a great disconnect between their sexual passions and their faith; husband attempts getting sexual satisfaction through pornography because of misunderstanding with wife. The list goes on.

These are evidences of an unhealthy sexual relationship in a marriage. World Health Organisation (WHO) defines health as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity. Therefore it is not until there is no sex at all that a marriage can be said to have an unhealthy sex life. When the sex life of a marriage is beclouded by some or any of these complains, the relationship is not healthy. A healthy sex life goes with spiritual, physical, emotional and mental fulfilment.

This article looks at what makes a healthy sex life in a marriage. It will highlight the characteristics of a healthy sex life. The intention is for couples to check what may be missing and be able to identify what to correct. The list may not be exhaustive, but it will give a lead to whoever wants to resolve certain unhealthy traits in the sex life of their marriage.

A Healthy Sex Life in Marriage is:

     Selfless: Marital sex should be about giving, not about taking or getting. An unselfish approach to marital sex ensures the physical, psychological, spiritual well-being of both spouses. When spouses are focused on satisfying each other, they are both satisfied. Any relationship where each spouse simply wants to take or get from the other without thinking of how the other person feels would have complains. Questions of how, when, where, how often, what to do –are answered by moving in the direction of what your spouse wants. For instance, a husband who is only available for sex when he wants it, but finds reasons not to do it when the wife asks is selfish. This also applies to a wife who often refuses the husband’s request but finds a way to make it happen when she needs it.

    Honest: Spouses may always differ when it comes to the how, where, when, how often questions in marital sex. However an atmosphere that allows each person to discuss their desires and fears helps the relationship thrive. When this is not in place, one spouse may always feel forced to do what the other person wants. Open and honest discussion is a regular part of a healthy sex life.

     Periodic: This is not in the sense of sometimes on, and sometimes off. Rather it is in the sense of   adapting to the level of intimacy that various phases of marriage offer. For instance, the early days of marriage comes with honeymoon experience and this increases intimacy. However when pregnancy sets it, it tends to decline. Couples in a healthy sex life are able to adjust as these seasons change. It does not mean that they are off sex, but the circumstances around the relationship per time may affect the level of intimacy. Therefore no spouse is under pressure to prove anything at any time.

    Valuable: Couples in a healthy sexual relationship do not see sex as ‘just sex’. They consider it a major part of the relationship and therefore guard it, cherish it and value it. Every spouse in the relationship works to improve it; prays about it and gives it priority attention. Sex is not neglected as an after-thought in such marriage. It is not seen as something that only happens because there is need for another baby. It is protected from external intrusions and each other’s body is considered exclusive to the marriage.

  Flexible: Sex may vary from very often to occasional, from exciting to comfortable, from satisfying to frustrating, based on physical health, life stresses, or other factors. In a healthy relationship husband and wife are committed to coming together physically, and reconnect in this way frequently and freely, but not legalistically.

   Unique: In a healthy sexual relationship, husband and wife look to each other alone for satisfaction. None seeks external satisfaction in any form including pornography and emotional connection by digital means. Every spouse cherishes each other’s body and considers any other source of satisfaction a third party.

   Vulnerable: A healthy sexual relationship is entirely open without being ashamed. Husband and wife realize that openness to each other at this level is without restrictions and they do so without feeling hurt. Vulnerability also means that none uses it to punish the other. They are available to each other and do not use sex as a bait to do or not do something for each other.

    Open to Improvements: Couples should know that they are not perfect. So like in every aspect of marriage, there could be imperfections as far as sexual relationship is concerned. Openness and honesty give room from continued improvement and closer level of intimacy on a daily basis.

    Well Rounded: Intercourse is just the physical aspect of sex. However a healthy sex life is a well-rounded life that has spiritual, mental, physical and emotional dimensions. These dimensions provide the needs a healthy sex life should meet in a marriage. It is not ‘just sex’ it is a life of intimacy that goes beyond the physical touch.

   Guiltless: It is in marriage that sex is ordained to happen. Therefore it should be done without a guilt feeling. A healthy sex life in marriage is clean and righteous because it is done with the right person. Any feeling of guilt should be rebuked, unless the person concerned is doing something outside the marriage that has not been disclosed.

There are many of marriages where sex does not meet these ideals, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible. One of the challenges is that some people do not see reasons to work towards improvement. The next edition of this article will look at why you need a healthy sex life in your marriage.