HOW TO HANDLE SEXUAL CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE

Marriages are going through sexual conflicts. In some cases the conflicts have threatened to end the marriages; while in others the marriages have been terminated. While some marriages have become sexless and therefore difficult to bear by the spouses; others have been able to manage the sexual issues and maintain peace and harmony in the home. The previous article identified six causes of sexual conflict; in this article we suggest ways to handle those causes of sexual conflict.

FREQUENCY OF INTERCOURSE

Certain factors ought to be considered in handling frequency of sexual intercourse between married couples. These factors include spouse’s sex drive, commonly called libido; spouse’s nature of daily occupation; spouse’s state of health as well as pregnancy.

In the early days of a marriage, especially at honeymoon, sex can happen multiple times in a day because both spouses are very fond of each other and on holiday. As things settle, they resume work, the wife probably becomes pregnant, and the true manifestation of their sex drives becomes clearer. The person with higher sex drive should show some understanding with the other spouse and encourage him or her to move up. He or she should also reduce their request in order not to wear the spouse out.

Some people have suggested that a healthy sex life in marriage requires at least three days of sex in a week; however I believe that couples should work with what their daily schedules and circumstances can handle. If you can do daily, seven days a week; that’s fine. Just be deliberate about ensuring a balanced frequency of sexual intercourse.

May I also mention that apart from talking about it, couples should create an atmosphere that encourages flexibility and spontaneity. Anyone can initiate sex, anytime, anywhere within the right atmosphere. Don’t be rigid about planning for it; be open to let it happen in the night even if it had happened in the morning of the same day.

POOR INTERPRETATION OF TEMPERAMENT

Understanding your partner’s temperament is relevant in knowing how to relate with the person on every issue, including sex. Someone, male or female who is of gentle, responsive and cooperative temperament would approach sex and respond to it differently from someone who is of aggressive and domineering temperament. This often manifests in the type of sex style they appreciate and in whether they are reserved or adventurous in their approach or response to sex.

For example, a Sanguine or Choleric spouse will likely be more aggressive and adventurous than a melancholic or phlegmatic. The latter may want it gentler and be more moderate. So while the former may want frequent changes in style per session, the latter may stay on one style and enjoy the intimacy that it provides. Also while the former may seek to do it in multiple locations within the home, the latter may be comfortable doing it only in the bedroom. This understanding would enable couples approach each other better, create a balance and enjoy each other as they are.

SEX STYLES

Conflicts around sex styles are usually about someone insisting on a particular sex style which the other spouse finds uncomfortable. There are various sex styles and apart from choosing among existing ones, couples can invent or modify styles based on what is beneficial to them. My recommendation always is that couples should use styles both spouses are comfortable with. If someone is not yet comfortable with a particular style, the one initiating it should not insist. Explore options to help the person learn the new style and patiently work together until both of you find it pleasurable.

Styles ought to be considered based on certain parameters. Choosing what gives pleasure to both of you should be paramount.
Some styles are more intimate than others; also some people, especially females have found that they achieve climax easier in particular styles than in others. The size of the man’s genital may also be a reason to choose a style, because size does not matter, but how it is applied makes the difference. Couples who value adventure also achieve it through certain styles while pregnancy demands that couples choose styles carefully for the good of the woman. In all these, whatever couples choose to do within their marriage should be based on mutual understanding and agreement.

POOR UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE LANGUAGE

Love languages are the different ways individual spouses would like to receive love. While some like physical touch, others like words of affirmation; some interpret being loved as spending quality time with them while others see it as being giving gifts; some people also interpret it as acts of service. These emotional expressions precede sex, meaning that they should be part of daily walk but result in how willing particular spouse would be to have sex.

It is important that each spouse understands their own love language and that of their spouse, so that they don’t speak their own language to their spouse. Everyone’s responsibility is to speak the language of the other person and receive their own language as spoken by their spouse. This creates balance and mutual trust. If a spouse is finding it difficult to speak the other person’s love language, the other spouse should call their attention to it and help him or her overtime.

LACK OF FORE PLAY

Fore play is essential in sex because it helps turn the woman on, putting her in the right mood that would help her enjoy sex and orgasm as the case may be. It also helps create intimacy between the couple. I believe that it is fore play that differentiates sex between a loving couple and sex between a man and a prostitute. It also differentiates consensual sex from rape. Therefore it is important that couples deliberately engage in fore play each time they want to have intercourse.

Touching and kissing the sensitive parts of each other helps couples connect properly before intercourse and without it, some people experience difficulty and sex becomes a struggle. Clitoral orgasm happens during fore play and it can be a plus for the couple because the woman may still experience penile orgasm in addition by the time intercourse starts, therefore leading to multiple orgasms by the woman in a sex session.

  

NO TIME FOR SEX

Not giving proper attention to sex in marriage could lead to challenges in other areas of the marriage. Some couples give attention to their jobs and businesses; they give attention to the children but treat sex as what should be given a spare time. I believe that it is insensitive for a spouse to deliberately starve their partner sexually on account of work, business or any other issue.

There is need for a balance because someone may be suffering in silence. If it is the man that denies the woman, the woman should speak up; if it the woman that denies the man, the man should speak up. That conversation should lead to ideas on how the couple can create a balance in their marriage to accommodate every area.

I believe that this edition has been a blessing to someone. Your comments are appreciated.